There are lots of ways our emotional blender sabotages us while we're in the process of divorce.
Some women suddenly become helpless, unable to do anything.
Others are paralyzed by sadness. They spend hours crying behind closed doors.
Then there are the ladies who become b*tchy. Super b*tchy. Way beyond "mean girl" status. They're angry, they want revenge, and are out for that no-good SOB's blood.
Of course you're angry. Of course you feel betrayed! It's normal to feel that way.
The problem with it, though, is that you're going to sabotage yourself.
When you go into "attack" mode, you're not just going to alienate and p*ss off your ex, but your attorney, your financial adviser, your friends (who are probably tired of hearing about it), and your family, too. You need those people. They're your support network, the ones who advocate for you, the ones who have your back. So what's the solution?
Here are some tips for taming the inner "mean girl" so you can be the most effective negotiator - and advocate for yourself! - that you can be:
Is the "mean girl" who you really want to be? Probably not! Create a "white hat" version of her that gets everything she needs without being angry. Be that person when you're tempted to blow up. Ask yourself, "What would she do in this situation?"
Ask yourself, "What is it about this situation that's making me so angry?" Is it the lack of control you feel over the situation? Betrayal? Irritation? Identify it. Label it. Observe it and let it be there, but don't let it "drive" you.
Focus on what you can control, instead of what is out of your hands. We can't control situations, thinking that they should or shouldn't be a certain way. But we can control our reactions. Make solving problems your priority, instead of casting blame.
Learn how to let go of expectations of others. You're absolutely right, the ex shouldn't have been such a jerk. He shouldn't have cheated, or whatever sin he's committed. But, unfortunately, he did. Maybe your attorney should have called you back right away. But he didn't. People are going to do what they're going to do. We have no control over others. Getting upset over something that's in the past isn't going to help you. If it's not important, then let it go. If it is important, set limits without being a screaming mimi.
Keep your routine as normal as possible. The temptation to melt down or explode is high during a time that so emotionally charged. Keep going to work, doing the things you love doing, taking care of the kids, the dog, and the cat. Any degree of normality you can muster is going to help!
Practice self compassion. One life mantra you can use is, "I'm allowed to feel this." You're allowed to have the angry feelings that you have. (It's what you do with those feelings that matters.) You're allowed to cry, take a long bubble bath, and say "no" to some social obligations, if you want. And you're allowed to do nice things to care for yourself.
These are just a few of the ways to tame your inner "mean girl" and stop the explosions. Here's an article with lots of tips you can use right now to defuse and calm down:
Life Mantras to Get You Through a Tough Day in One Piece
Susan Petang is a Certified Life Coach, helping women step out of the emotional blender of divorce, and start waking up happy in the morning again.